the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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