Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
