Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
