okay pat passed out under dana's car
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
