Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
