he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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