1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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