you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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