Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
