That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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