Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
