So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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