I met the friendliest cop last night
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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