i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
i've created a new STD.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
