the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
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