I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
