today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
