Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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