Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
