It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
