I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
