If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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