Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
