Don't make out with my wife yet
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
