Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i was born a porn star she said
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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