I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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