return my video game
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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