i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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