A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
