Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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