He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
