I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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