3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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