I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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