If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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