omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
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They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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