i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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