Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
