so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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