Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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