I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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