Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
