I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
