Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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