I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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