My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
