just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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