Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
