Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
