i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
