You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
