Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
we're so committed to being not committed
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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