I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
