I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
