Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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