I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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